getting up again

Its about time to start writing again... tonight I reminded a friend of the idea that it doesnt matter how often we fall, but only how many times we get up again and how. And of course how it is with those kind of things... you are actually telling it to yourself :) So dear Juliana never forget that!!! And you are so much stronger then you think you are are. And you will fall again soon. Dont worry. but you will get up again too! Its time for me to step up and stand into my own power. Stand in the middle of my fire. And I never want to loose my compassionate self and ability to hope and trust in the good of people, no matter how often they fuck up. Aho :-)

on our way to a little qute cottage...

Few days ago we moved from our favourite valley in Huelo to Kula, renting a room temporarily while looking for OUR place.
Its having nature around it, a place for a garden close by, flowing water, a possibility for hot showers, if possible internet access.
It will cost around 700 USD and I can have as many guests as I want to and the landlord is happy with this.
It will have just a few moskitos and when you come home you feel warm in your heart!!!
Avra kaadabra - I create while I speak. Amen - so it be it!
:-)

acting out of love

One of my new year resolution was to more consciously try to act of love and not out of fear. Speak out of love and not of anger.
So what do you do, if you really feel hurt and everything inside of you wants to go into defensive mode? you want to build a wall around yourself, so nothing can touch you ever again, you wanna destroy everything around you that has caused this pain, you feel so lonely and actually all you want is that someone takes you in their arm and just hold you or talk to you.
It takes a lot of energy to keep a crack in this wall, where eventually the sun can enter again, roots of flowers will break it more open and you allow the world be part of you again. It takes so much strength to not let yourself be overwhelmed with all the feelings. To be there for them, because they are there - anger , hate, loneliness, fear, despair.... - look at them, acknowledge them and then find a good distance and let love be the ruler of your actions.
And as more you do this, as easier it will get to win this battle. And very important, if you loose it once in a while to be gentle with your self and forgive yourself and not give up, and try again and again.
Acting out of love doesnt mean to disrespect yourself, its good to keep healthy boundaries, it means to ask yourself again and again the question "what would love say and do right now?" and allow a little sunray coming to a crack in the wall to tickle your nose...

the power of being there for each other, sometimes without knowing...

its so easy to be tricked into a mode of not feeling loved, feeling unsafe and sad. once in it you feel attacked all the time and defend yourself by hurting other people attacking them. You observe yourself from above knowing that this is not the real you, the one that wants to do things out of love and not out of fear, the you that can forgive and always feels safe and loved, because we are! And then you want to get yourself out of this, but its almoust as if you are trapped and as much as you try it just gets worse.
And then a phone call comes in of a very good friend, who experiences a huge panic fear attack and cannot sleep on the otehr side of the world, so we pray together the Lords prayer and all of the sudden it roots me back into my higher being. So in my time of biggest need, the need of this friend uniting us to pray for protection was my salvation. You didnt know this when you called, but you saved me in this moment. Thank you so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

coconut for breakfast

fresh coconut for breakfast makes my day worth to get up for :-)
yesterday I really felt the jetleg and the tiredness creeping on me. But I still managed to go to town to buy some food for the next month, jumping into the ocean on the way with caca, letting the sun shine on my big belly. Also checked on ads for rent -
Dear Universe, we are looking for a great little place that we can call home for a while, a place where we feel the baby can come and is safe, has a little garden space for vegetables etc. and some uncomplicated space for visitors to come.
I now we will find it very soon. Thank you!
new sunny day with beautyful clouds and shade under trees, thanks for embracing my life.

welcome new day

My first full day in Maui pregnant. I feel full of energy in the morning, after some oatmeal with jam and doing some phonecalls with my family back in Europe I went for a walk and managed to catch Heidi before she had to go to work.
She is a bundel of energy doing 3 jobs at the moment but lovong it and all the learning it is bringing.
Then I continued my stroll with Caca down to Stevo’s land, where Dave and I used to live last year. It feels a bit like home down there knowing all the corners etc. Its all new people living there. I found Gabe, the owners son and got 20 coconuts from him. JUMMM ☺
Figuring out that Caca doesn’t know how to drive a car, made me of course give him some driving classes on our bumpy road, he radiated –
Lunch, taking a nap, walking to the pools with Caca, deciding not to swimm, because the water was to cold for me and him, starting to prepare dinner for Dave coming home after work. He brought Scotty (he sed to live wth us at Stevos land last year) as a surprise guest. Just before 10 they left to go dancing in Casanovas in Makawao, and Dave and I left to go to sleep ending up in a really inportant conversation about our relationship, understanding, trust, that wasn’t easy but we handeled it pretty good in the end.
And I managed to sleep almoust through the whole night, just woke up really early to singing birds and being held in Daves arms. Welcome new day

Maui 2012

so its the 3rd time now that I am arriving in Maui. This time with a big pointy belly, which form is changing according to how the baby moves inside.
Dave picket me up from the airport. Its was a long flight from Basel via London and LA to Maui. Luckily I could stop one night in LA to see my sister + family.
After buying some yummmies to eat in our favourite local store Mana, we went straight to "our" beach in Paia, where you can swim naked. The first people we run into were 3 goddesses. One of them I knew and after some seconds I recognized her - Gabriele, whom I met in 2006 in Dornach and last year in Maui - she is a shining radiating woman, I will take her as a good symbol for my arrival :-)
On the way out of the ocean a big wave took Dave and me and threw us on the beach - never leave the ocean waves unattented :-) but luckily nothing happened.
After a nap in Daves beautyful little Dome, listening to the birds and palm trees moving in the wind we went to the bee study group in Haiku, where I met some old friends again.
To complete the day and say Hi to some more people we stopped at Heidis on teh way back and surprised Caca, my brazilian friend who is visiting Maui for a month.
Even if I have a really great little room for my self for the next 2 weeks - it was good to be with Dave and sleep in his little lofty place. The new day began beuatyful with sunshine, good shower, oatmeal and lots of peace and calmness.

Die kleine Erde

Die kleine Erde
im riesen grossen All
it ein Spielball der Zeit.
Viele Lichtstreifen sind
umd die Erde gewickelt;
die leuchtenden
Freundschaftsbaender.
Einer davon
geht von mir zu Dir.
Keine Entfernung
keine Zeit kann ihn zerreissen.
Feste wie ein Seil
verbinde er mich und Dich!

von Conny ca 1997/98

Beauty

Beauty is before me,
And beauty is behind me.
Above and below me hovers the beautiful.
I am surrounded by it.
I am immersed in it.
In my youth I am aware of it,
And in old age I shall walk quietly
The beautiful trail.

Navaho prayer

from Chimay in december

The vision that you glorify in your mind, the ideal that you enthrone in your heart - this you will build your life by, and this you will become -James Allen

All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act on their dreams with open eyes, to make them possible.
|
-Thomas Edward Lawrence (of Arabia)

von Malte im Dezember

Tag 17

Flocken tanzen im Reigen
Spuren entschwinden lautlos im zeitlosen Weiß.
Dampfender Atem.
Leise vorwärts gleiten,
Stille liegt in der Luft.

Weg räumen, Ankunft.
Pforten durschreiten,
Wärme erfülltes Heim.
Raum entfaltet Wirklichkeiten.
Träume, nun endlich wahr.

January 17th, Saturday

Today wa sthe first nice day after 2 weeks of below Fahrenheit followed by 2-3 days of heavy storm and rain that washed away all the snow. The sun peeked through the clouds today. Our outhouse fell over, our cabin was leaking and the electricity and phone didnt work for some time. The horses are still alive, stamping around in mudd paddles and Dave and I are happy together.
Yesterday and today for the first time since a long time I managed to go through some papers and did some things that were not work or family related or just reading a great novel and gettinig away from reality.
Small steps. thats what is happening. I had some great phone talks with my sister. And things will slowly move forward.
Love you world!

things sometimes take longer than you expect

Today I decided to just go on. I still hope to put up a summary of the past months.
But for now I just gonna report on the days that pass by.

Hawaii report

still digesting.
come back in a week, I hope I have a story for you then.
I am back in Alaska by now.
more soon.

I am here to learn

I went back to the north side of the island to see my family one more time. to see pics of us sailing click
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=168615&l=14e43&id=750245222
I got a ride with a great local boy all the way here.
To day I was on the computer the whole day, going through 400 emails of Joshua looking for great quotes he send me during the last year. This process helped me a lot to see where I am, how my journey started with Global passageways and to accept that I am not in the core team anymore. And that all is good. I am going my path no meatter what. And I still can give all my love to this initiative, just in another way then I thought. And I am really greatful for his love all this time.

I am here to learn.

kalani & Chris

The other day we meet Kalani, a hawaiian leader. He is full on fire and connected to our cause. His friend Chris is a true community builder and something strong connects us. Joshua, Andrew and me had a thai dinner with them.
Its so powerful to see how the positiv attitude of one man can make EVERYONE feel so happy and empowered. just through the simple fact of being who you are and looking at the positiv of the other person.

Beth

I finally found the number of Beth. She is one of my marriaged aunts. I havent seen her and her 2 daughters for 8 years and it happens that they live very close to Jim Shannons place. Andrew one of the volunteers and me spend the night there.
Lots of alaska stories. And wow my cousin Maya has grown up. Its amazing and good to meet them. it gives me more confident when I am around family.
then we hitch hike back to Hilo. many different people: local drunk boys and rich tourists pick us up. We manage to get back to Hilo just in time before the farmers market is closing.
Thank you universe!

Jim Shannon

Jim Shannon is an amazing Storyteller I meet last year in Colorado and lives on the Big Island in a small community in "paradise" called Artesia.
We spent 2 days at his place, he is helping with the preparation for global passageways as well.
besides being eaten up by mosquitos I manage to center myself at his place. I finally take some time wo work on a poem and some storytelling.
Its a good place to be.

first week in Hawaii

Arriving. tanking sunlight. get up everyday before sunrise. drink fresh coconut milk every day so far, swimm in the ocean every other day.
meet old and new friends. learn more about perma culture. go to the farmers market. trying to find my place and task in the preparing for the meeting at the end of november (gobalpassageways.org)
crying laughing dancing love threwing-up headache sleepyness connecting breathing forgiving processing hitch-hiking sailing talkin-stories living being...

Its my path with all its crazy and miraculus encounters.

transfer to Hawaii

I got a ride to Anchorage with a friend of my cousin Connie. Snow on the Homestead, Snowstorm on the way. Great little house in Anchorage that gave me the chance to take a hot shower finally after a few days without any, washing my hair and getting some computer typing done.
I forgot my purse in Homer, so I just have 2 USD left. She lends me 20USD. Luckily I have my passport with me, so I can fly to Hawaii.
I am very tired. the plane leaves at 2 AM, stopps in Seattle. I have a 7 hour layover in Honululu. And yes I remember Hawaii. My body remembers the smell, the air.
I am happy. I take a bus to Waikiki. drink my first fresh Coconut water and do some emails.
In the evening a one hour flight to the Big Island. Joshua and his friend Riisa pick me up, I get a Lei.
I still cannot believe that I am here. I just had snow around me.
And I am so happy to be gone. The family in Alaska was a little too intense in the end.
But I am looking forward in going back there still.
Aloha Hawaii.